


It's My Life, Don't You Forget

by Loveislove87



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, M/M, missing Alex Manes, missing Alex weekend, self worth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:29:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loveislove87/pseuds/Loveislove87
Summary: Boy has epiphany. Boy makes decision. Boy takes agency.
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 15
Kudos: 115





	1. Chapter 1

Alex landed with an ungraceful thump in the patio chair. Groaning, he rested his head up against the back of the seat, face turned toward the darkening sky. He couldn’t help but smile as his gaze quickly found a few constellations he’d learned over the years: just the easy ones like Orion’s Belt and the Dippers. His leg ached from hip to phantom toes, too many hours on a relatively new prosthetic. Through clenched teeth, he lifted his leg up and breathed a sigh of relief once the pressure released as it sat on the ottoman in front of him

It hadn’t necessarily been a bad day, just a long day. Another long day. Too many hours spent standing at a table, analyzing page after page of ancient documentation. Half of it turned out to be intel they already had, the other half horrific detail of experimentation he silently wished he’d never seen.

Michael had been stoic throughout most of the day, only allowing his frustration to break through once or twice. Alex had kept a watchful eye, had been for the last few months truthfully. Their relationship had changed, although he didn’t quite know why, to something of acquaintances instead of friends. Alex took most of the blame for the awkwardness that stood between them now; his consistent avoidance of Michael and Maria obvious to everyone only made worse when his relationship with Forrest ended before it really began. He’d tried to move on, given it a solid effort, but watching Michael with someone else left him with a pain in his chest that made him breathless, and Forrest made sure to point it out before he left with a sad salute.

His mind wandered to the moments he’d shared with Forrest. Soft touches and loud laughs. It had been so easy. It should have been perfect. But he could never fully let go, always holding onto that one piece of his heart that belonged to someone else. Quietly comparing one smile to the other, one kiss to the other.

The sound of squeaking breaks pulled him from his thoughts as a door slammed and Michael sauntered onto the patio. By now, the sky had gone black and the sensor lights he’d installed had kicked on, bathing Michael in a too bright glow.

“Private.” He nodded, cowboy hat doing most of the work.

“Guerin.” Alex couldn’t help the exhaustion creeping into his voice. Sleep had been a luxury he didn’t have time for. And, more recently, the more he tried resting, the more his thoughts raced and his anxiety seemed to take over. He used to be a calm man, very practical. At some point he’d become a worst-case scenario thinker and it was starting to make him a bit mad.

“You forgot this in the bunker.” Michael held out his cell phone, making Alex grimace and grab it quickly. That was a level of careless Alex hadn’t reached before.

Pulling a hand through his hair and shaking his head, Alex whispered, “thanks,” before scrolling through to make sure he hadn’t missed any calls or texts.

“You alright?”

Blinking away the brightness of the screen, Alex watched Michael’s features morph into concern, his voice too gentle. It made Alex’s skin feel too tight.

“I’m fine.”

“You look tired.”

“I am tired but I’m still fine.”

The two men stared, Alex refusing to look away but growing weary maintaining a façade of indifference. Michael showing he still cared meant more to him than he’d admit, but a feeling of discomfort clawed in the depths of his gut, too.

“Maria asked about you the other day. She misses you.”

Pocketing his phone, Alex bit his lip to mask his pain as he pushed to stand. Michael stepped forward but Alex stopped him in his tracks, throwing a hand up in protest.

“Goodnight, Guerin.”

“What’s your problem, Alex?”

He stopped with his hand on the front door, hip screaming. Alex rubbed his hand over his eyes, wondering for the hundredth time why he couldn’t love someone else. Why Michael fucking Guerin had to be his everything. A man who would seemingly never understand, who would never be able to be his.

“I don’t know what it’s gonna take for you to get it, Michael.” He turned to face the man, eyes wide and wet.

“I joined the Air Force to get away from my dad, sure, but to keep you safe, too. I came home and practically ran right to you. I’ve kept your secret. I will always keep your secret. I helped you find Caufield and your mom. I reenlisted for you. I’ve been nothing but supportive of you and Maria even though it’s fucking killing me. I’m at your beck and call but what am I getting, Michael? It’s not love! It’s not friendship! It’s barely even kindness anymore!”

Michael’s arms lay limp at his sides while his mouth hung open in surprise, maybe shock. Alex didn’t care as his body thrummed with adrenaline and the dawning realization that he’d live most of his life for other people. For this person.

Shaking his head, Alex chuckled and ran a hand through his hair, pulling gently. With bloodshot eyes, he looked at Michael and steadied his voice. “I’m done, Michael. I’ve done the best I can to atone for the Manes legacy, I’ve been the best friend I can be. I asked you to choose me and you didn’t. I can’t keep putting you and everyone else first. I’m done.”

“Alex, wait-“

“Goodnight, Michael.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Goodbyes**

He’d been up all night, sending emails to his superiors, calling in favors, packing his bags. Exhaustion pulled at his eyelids, but nerves kept them propped open. This was the most spontaneous thing he’d ever done and, even though it scared the life out of him, he was ready.

As the sky turned pink and the birds awoke, Alex found himself outside again, hands shaking around his third cup of coffee. There was no way he’d be selling his house; it was the first thing he truly owned, had built up on his own. It felt like him. But he knew he needed someone to keep it up.

Once his phone showed a more reasonable hour, Alex sighed and shot off a text, bracing for the barrage of questions he’d inevitably be faced with.

After a shower and some breakfast, Alex was going through his closet, smiling at some of the t-shirts he’d held onto since high school when his front door slammed open. He squeezed his eyes and held his breath, waiting for the shit to hit the fan.

“Excuse me, you’re going where?”

He peeked through a squinted eye to see Kyle standing, one leg out in an angry bevel, with his hands on his hips. Alex had to bite down a laugh, Kyle reminding him of a show he’d just watched, _you look like a disgruntled pelican_.

“No,” he didn’t bother waiting for an answer. “You’re not going anywhere.” Kyle practically stomped over to Alex’s suitcase and began removing piles of neatly folded clothes.

Alex helplessly reached a hand out and groaned as he watched his hard work dismantle. “Kyle, c’mon. Seriously? That took me all morning!”

“Good, you bastard! While you refold, you can tell me what the hell is going on!”

Shaking his head, Alex sighed and sat at the edge of the bed, knee to knee with his friend. Maybe his only friend.

“I can’t stay here anymore, Kyle.” He swallowed as he stared at the blank wall in front of him. “Everywhere I turn it’s Manes men this, or aliens that, or Michael and Maria-“

“Ah, this is a Guerin thing.”

Alex shook his head before pushing the heels of his hands into his eyes. “No,” he sighed. “Don’t get me wrong, I can barely breathe when I’m with him, feel kind of sick when I see them together, but it’s not _just_ Michael.”

They sat in silence as Alex carefully chose his words. “I don’t know who I am anymore. Or who I wanna be when I grow up.”

Kyle chuckled and placed a hand on his knee, squeezing gently. “I know who you are, Alex.”

Alex turned with a raised eyebrow and a sniffle. Kyle just shrugged and smiled, patting him on the leg before standing and folding the clothes he knocked into one big pile.

“You’re a good man. You’re empathetic and thoughtful. You’re brilliant and incredibly talented. You’re funny and sarcastic but you’ve got the right timing for it, you’re never mean just to be mean.”

Alex couldn’t help but smile before standing to join Kyle in his folding.

“You do have one big flaw, though.”

“Well thank you, I thought this was going too well.”

“You’re a self-sacrificing idiot.”

Nodding, Alex stared down at the Panic! shirt in his hands. “Yeah.”

“So, California, huh?”

Alex grabbed the pile of clothes Kyle had attempted to fold, horrified at the wrinkles already forming. “LA.”

“Nice. Couldn’t be more different than here.”

Alex shrugged as he carefully placed the stack of shirts back in his bag. “Aside from too many people it seems like it might fit me pretty well.”

“You know we’re gonna miss you, right?”

Smirking, Alex pushed Kyle’s shoulder, hoping to play off how much he’d miss Kyle, too. “You’ll live.”

“Not just me, though. Everyone.”

He couldn’t keep teasing, not with the pit that formed when he thought of the friends he’d pulled away from, who’d pushed him away. “They’ll live, too.”

As the room filled with the words Alex refused to say, he stood and announced he had to pee, grimacing with his complete lack of tact, and shut himself in the bathroom.

“This is the right thing. It’s scary but it’s the right thing.” He stared down his reflection, daring himself to argue, but nothing came. He’d miss the comfort of Roswell, the relative predictability. The Crashdown. The bunkers. Beam Me Up. The desert. Kyle. But this was the right thing.

He flushed the toilet to keep up appearances and splashed some cold water on his face, slapping his cheeks to bring back some color. Kyle sat on the bed, exactly where Alex had left him, phone in hand, fingers moving rapid fire.

“So, when are you leaving us for SoCal?”

Alex glanced at his watch. “About three hours.”

His heart did something uncomfortable at the expression that crossed Kyle’s face but Kyle quickly hid his disappointment and smiled wide. “So no going away party then?”

Smiling in kind, Alex shook his head and zipped his finally packed bag. “Afraid not, but I do have a present for you.”

Kyle stood with a small hop, “I love me a present!”

Laughing, Alex handed Kyle a gold key and gave his cheek a light pat. “If you wanna stay here instead of your apartment, that’s okay with me. But I was hoping you’d at least come by once in a while and make sure the place is still standing.”

Kyle stared at the key, turning it over in his hand. “You’re not selling?”

Alex shoved his hands deep into his pockets. “Not yet. I might hate California. Who knows?”

“Good.”

Kyle smiled and Alex felt that ache in his chest again at his friend’s watery eyes. Kyle pulled him in by the shoulders and held him tight. Closing his eyes, Alex wrapped his arms around his friend and held on. With all the weight he’d been carrying lately, he forgot that there were some great things about Roswell. Kyle happened to be at the top of the list.

How times change.

Clearing his throat, Kyle let go first and grabbed a few of the bags in the room. “C’mon military, you’re gonna be late.”

Alex took a few moments to look around his bedroom once more. He’d miss it, for sure. His home would always be a space of pride and comfort, but it was time to move forward, not stay complacent in a life he barely chose.

Picking up the bags Kyle left, he headed out to his Jeep but froze at the familiar shape of Michael leaning against the passenger side door, cowboy hat dramatically covering his eyes. With a tilted eyebrow, Alex looked to Kyle who shrugged innocently and headed to his car with a final salute, Alex’s house key proudly in hand.

“Kyle called?”

Michael nodded. “Said you were skipping town.”

Tossing his bag in the back seat with a groan, Alex shut the door. “Just a transfer.”

“I’m coming with you.”

The blood rushed to Alex’s head as he steadied himself against the car. “Excuse me?”

Michael pushed the hat back and Alex saw how visibly upset Michael seemed to be. “I’m coming with you. I don’t wanna be where you aren’t, Alex.”

Alex bit his lip and turned his back, the image of his house blurring from his tears. “Why are you doing this, Guerin? Why now?”

“You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone, right?”

Alex tried catching his breath, desperately trying to organize his racing thoughts. Michael walked to stand in front of him, eyes soft and pleading, taking one of Alex’s hands. “Don’t leave me behind again.”

Swallowing past the burn in his throat, Alex brought his hands to either side of Michael’s face, thumbs brushing slowly and gently over his stubble. He watched in rapture as Michael’s eyes fluttered shut, his eyelashes spread against his pink cheeks. Leaning forward, he rested his head against Michael’s, overwhelmed by the feeling of finally being so close.

“I’ve never wanted to leave you behind.”

He felt Michael nod, the man’s hands wrapped tightly around Alex’s wrists. “Look at me, Michael.”

Gleaming, golden eyes looked through Alex and he knew, without a doubt, he’d always be in love with Michael Guerin.

“I love you.”

The small smile he received melted his heart, Michael looking so young and hopeful. “But I’m leaving. Alone.”

Stepping back, Michael’s jaw slid open as his eyes grew impossibly wide. “What?”

“You’ve found happiness here, Michael. Roswell is your home. You’re in a relationship. You’ve got friends. Good friends. You’re closer to Isobel and Max than you’ve ever been before. You’re happy.”

Michael went to speak but Alex shook his head and took his hands in his own. “You deserve to be happy and I can’t make you happy right now because I’m not happy. You deserve to be happy but so do I. And I’m gonna try to start in California. By myself.”

Michael remained frozen, hands limp in Alex’s. Sighing, Alex leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Michael’s cheek, whispering, “take care of yourself,” in his ear before smiling sadly and getting into his Jeep.

Alex waited until his tires kicked up sand to sob as he watched Michael unmoved in his driveway, hand coming to his mouth to try shoving the cries back inside.

This was the right thing. It was scary but it was the right thing.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a year of discovery. Alex had experienced days of complete joy, smiling as he fell asleep, face sore from laughing all day. There’d been days of unending loneliness, too, oddly missing dark, windowless spaces and wild, golden curls.

Kyle had kept in touch regularly, making sure he had the most up to date Roswell gossip and kept up with his medical appointments. He’d flown out twice during the last few months, soaking up the sun and getting along instantly with Alex’s coworkers.

Sitting on \the beach now, prosthetic off and toes dug in the sand, Alex smiled as his skin warmed up. The beach was pretty crowded but he got nothing more than polite smiles and friendly nods from the strangers soaking in the sun.

Alex laughed as a loud whistle caught his attention, a group of women noticing an ocean wet Kyle emerging from the water. Kyle just winked as he jogged to Alex, landing ungracefully on the towel next to him.

“I fucking love California, man,” Kyle said as he took the beer Alex offered, eyes never leaving the ocean. “The people, the beach, the weather.”

Alex smiled and watched the waves kiss the shore. “Yeah.”

“You’re not coming back to Roswell, are you?”

They hadn’t spoken about his plans post military but Alex had made it pretty clear how happy he was, despite missing some people back home.

Leaning back, fingers buried under warm, soft sand, Alex sighed. “No, I don’t think so. Not yet at least.”

He saw Kyle nod as he took another swig of his drink, eyes still trained on the ocean. “I get it.”

“You know you can come visit anytime, right? The guest room has your name all over it.”

Kyle chuckled and pushed his bottle into the sand until it stood on it’s own. Patting Alex on the back, he groaned as he pushed to stand. “I think my travel buddy here would disagree.”

As Kyle made a beeline for a tall brunette with a surfboard, Alex watched Michael saunter his way. He’d watched Michael’s stunning joy at seeing the ocean for the first time and melted at how happy the cowboy had seemed. Walking toward him now, Alex smiled as he realized how made for California Michael really was.

Once Alex had landed in California, he was greeted with a litany of missed calls and texts from his friends, some pissed that he’d vanished without a word, others saying how much he’d be missed and to stay in touch.

Michael’s message had been simple and to the point.

_I never look away._

Through text and, eventually, phone and video calls, they’d rebuilt their friendship, starting with the easy and struggling through the difficult. They’d both decided fairly quickly that the breakdown in their relationship had always been communication; Alex assuming his intentions and words were always clear, Michael assuming he always needed to prepare for the worst.

It wasn’t smooth sailing, days of unanswered calls, nights of tears and loud voices, angry words thrown in the hopes they hit their target. But, in the end, they always came back together, talking it out and taking ownership for their words.

When Michael had suggested he join Kyle on his most recent trip, Alex had felt a flutter of nerves tickle his gut. The excitement he felt at the prospect of seeing Michael was undeniable, but the fear of rocking their new status quo squeezed at his throat.

Watching Michael walk off the plane ended up being one of the best moments of his life.

Alex had shown them around his neighborhood, having meals at his favorite places, live music at some of the local bars and, of course, the beach. It’d only been a few days but the magnetism he’d always felt for Michael was somehow more electric and, seeing Michael melt into the lifestyle he’d fallen in love with was amazing.

“Enjoying the view, private?”

Alex chuckled, shaking his head. “Yeah, the ocean’s always beautiful.”

Michael laughed as he took up Kyle’s spot on the towel, stealing his beer, too. “Everything’s beautiful here.”

When Alex turned to toss a joke at Michael, he’d found big eyes staring at him. He closed his mouth and looked down at his lap, willing the blush creeping across his cheeks away.

They sat together in silence, Alex smiling softly when he felt Michael’s finger sit on his own in the sand. “I don’t wanna leave, Alex.”

Alex bit his lip as his heart raced. “Are you sure?” He glanced at Michael who nodded. “But you’ve only been here a few days.”

“Yeah,” he whispered. “But you’re here.” Michael turned to look at Alex and, for maybe the first time in a long time, Alex knew without a doubt that Michael loved him. “You’re here and you’re so happy. I wanna be a part of that, if you’ll let me.”

Alex couldn’t help the laugh that escaped, teeth on display and eyes squinted, as he leaned forward and kissed the love of his life, completely unaware of anyone around them. He leaned back, forehead pressed to Michael’s, and said, “stay.”

Michael kissed him again, rubbing their noses together and smiled, “forever.”

“Get a room!”

Alex turned to see Kyle smiling and throwing a surf’s up sign before heading back into the water.

“I hate that guy.”

Alex laughed and pulled Michael into a hug. “You’re a miserable liar.”


End file.
